The post Dating Profile Do’s & Dont’s first appeared on Dateable.

The post Reasons for Hiring a Matchmaker first appeared on Dateable.

The post The End first appeared on Dateable.

At Dateable, that’s us, our passive network is comprised of lovely individuals we send on dates with our paying clients. They do not pay for the match. Now, not all agencies work this way. Some only match paying clients with other paying clients, but in my experience that drops the dating pool to a very small size, like not even one of those inflatable options. I’m talking plastic kiddie pool filled with swampy grass soup over a layer of grit and mud. If you’re already struggling to find your needle in a haystack, hoping you’re someone else’s and that it happens at exactly the same time, well that sounds like fifty shades of once in a blue moon to me. Don’t hold your breath. Some agencies use passive networks, but you pay a membership fee to join them. To be fair, there are benefits to being in the passive network. I’m not here to say it isn’t worth your money to be considered for their wonderful, quality active clients. But if you’re engaging with us, the passive network is complimentary. You are so very welcome. Only our active clients pay the fees.

So what is the difference you keep asking me. And I’m so ready to explain.

I consider the passive network to be like the “love lotto”, only without the six dollar weekly investment. You get the benefit of being considered for wonderful quality clients, and you get the benefit of our interviewing and vetting, which is in itself a discovery process for you as much as for the lovely human whose campaign we are running. You’re much more likely to steer in the right direction and to gain clarity on your wants and needs in relationship after engaging with us. After all, this is not our first rodeo. We’re kinda magically great at this and are passionate about making it work for everyone involved, including your Labradoodle, Sunny.

If you’re looking for love, availing yourself of this service is a no brainer. Because you just might win, and because you get more out of it than the occasional free play.

Having said that, there is a big difference between passive and active levels of service.

We are a very high touch, curated, hands on service. We believe that we need to be in this day and age, when most daters, whether they are living otherwise fulfilling lives or properly lovelorn, are struggling to connect. Algorithms aren’t getting them connections that are meaningful or sustainable, for all kinds of reasons that are another blog entirely. When you engage with us you are receiving a world of expertise, time, care and attention that is dedicated to understanding your needs, helping you understand them, clarifying your attraction profile, searching the dating pool, the BIG ONE, for the most wonderful suitable wow factor clients, but also the real ones, the ones who are going to get under your skin and surprise you and reveal what you didn’t even know you wanted on paper, let alone a swipe. And we support you through it. We talk to you, we give you the tools, oh I know you have so many already, but we have extra special ones, allen-keys for fitting it all together and building something that sticks.

Now bear with me on the analogy that is to follow. If you remove the Hollywood, and the production value, and the audience gripping drama, guilty pleasure though it may be; if you remove the ridiculous premise of establishing the engagement worthiness of a relationship in a ridiculously small timeline, not even what I refer to as the ‘first trimester’ of relationship…..if you can, for a moment indulge me and put all of that on a shelf, the difference between active and passive is kind of like the difference between being a candidate who is meeting The Bachelor or Bachelorette, and actually being the Bachelor or Bachelorette. When you are one of twenty five select candidates, you have a one in twenty five chance of being the one they fall for over a dating “intensive”. And that is lovely. Someone is going to take that spot. When it’s done via matchmaking your odds of a wonderful marriage as the outcome go up exponentially, because you’re not squishing everything into six weeks and limiting your interaction to occasional one-on-one and group dates. Also, we aren’t vetting for high drama, we’re vetting for relationship success, with a quarter century of expertise brought to the process. So there is that.

But consider when you are our version of the Bachelor/ette. Well now we are cooking with cheese! Because we draw on our passive networks, all of those lovely relationships we have built and nurtured over the years, and we draw on our collaborative networks, and we search, out in the wild with our ninja like skills, much like an executive head hunter will do. We leave no stone unturned, and then we ask the questions that will save you the heart ache later, the painful years of trial and error. We bring in lovely candidates, NOT based on who will start a fight with the others in the house, because no one is in the same house. Boring to watch on TV, but pretty amazing to experience in reality. And then we leverage the matches. We get feedback from you, we discover interesting mysterious things that you didn’t even know to tell us about out of the gate. We mix up the ones we know you’re gonna love with a few outliers who may surprise you by winning your heart.

When you are a candidate for the Bachelor/ette you have your one in twenty five chance and it’s much like that with us. But when you’re the star of the show, the odds are twenty five to one in your favour, so to speak. The entire gig is set up to find your relationship.

Because you deserve one.

Because life is more fulfilling with someone to share it with.

Because you want a family.

Because you’ve worked your butt off to get to where you are.

Because your time and emotional energy matter.

Because you’d rather be spending your nights with your love.

Because you would rather do this now, than waste another few years on painful trial and error.

Because we can solve things for you that you cannot.

Because you know the value of investing in yourself.

Because you’d rather invest in creating a wonderful relationship than padding the divorce lawyer’s pockets (though I love lawyers).

Because you have the intelligence and the commitment to make things happen in your corporate life, so why not make them happen for you in your personal life?

Imagine if fifty hours of work and decades of expertise went into every date you went on.

Just sit with that for a moment.

Well you’d be off living your best relationship life right now, wouldn’t you?

There are times it does not make sense to enter into full blown matchmaking, to be the star of the show.

Dating comes easily and is going very well. You actually have years to explore. Or you just got out of a relationship and need time to reassess. You like leaving things to chance, like that character in the Serendipity film with John Cusack.

But sometimes even chance needs a chance.  

I was chatting with a friend of a good friend the other day. He’s lives in Texas, works in oil and gas. He likened the work we do to head hunting a CEO for your business. “It makes sense” he said “to invest in that service. Like finding the right CEO, but more important.” I mean he’s not wrong, in my humble view.

What a revolutionary idea to invest in your romantic future, and to imagine and then realize what that can do for your life. This goes for couples too you know. Your relationship or marriage doesn’t have to broken to get a hell of a lot better. And you don’t have to wait for something to break to invest some extra mojo into it. You can work with a coach, or you can simply rejuvenate your date night, or take an inventory of everything you love and appreciate about one another in order to set the stage for steering the path.

But if you are a catch and no one’s catching you, maybe you want to switch sides, not teams silly, sides. Maybe you wanna talk to us about how we could change all of that; how good it would feel to swap out your lotto dreams for a well executed game plan, to explore what the right CEO could do for the future of Yourlovelife.com.

I’m willing to bet on you.

Much love,

Erin

The post Love Lotto first appeared on Dateable.

Or maybe you’re worried, just a little about money…money shouldn’t matter because the Beatles told us it can’t buy you love, but it just so happens that you’re not that risk tolerant or spendy. You feel an inner pang whenever they pull out the card and drop that much on that. You don’t want to pry but you don’t want to be the only responsible one, again. You convince yourself that in time it will balance itself out. You swallow your discomfort. I mean maybe you’re a bit to controlling or uptight. It would do you some good to live a little, loosen the purse strings. Maybe you notice they are a bit too frugal, fearful, judgy when it comes to spending. Remarks slip out. You find yourself justifying your choices, or hiding them. The future is slightly less blinding with its brightness. You take off your shades.

And just like that a pattern emerges, seeds of future conflict are planted. You hold onto your glow but you feel a little less and less safe. You focus on what you love about them, a little bit harder.

And what about needs? Don’t even get me started on needs. What do you do the first time they drop the ball? Forget something important to you, fail to listen, respond, prioritize your time, express enthusiasm, feel enthusiasm. What happens when they, god forbid, seem a little questioning, concerned, dissatisfied, confused, with something you have done, or failed to do? You can hear your well meaning friends, loud and clear, can’t you? Before you can even hear your own thoughts. They are telling you NOT to put up with that BS, disrespect, inattention. They can see your ex, all over again and god help them they are bent on saving your from your inability to save yourself. Of course you don’t want that, and you don’t see it the same way because you have hope, but maybe hope is foolish and the fear begins to creep and creep. You are going to say something; demand what you deserve, point out the inacceptable, call them on their shit, strike an ultimatum. But then a WORSE idea intrudes. What if you are just needy? Your friends aren’t seeing it. They’re too busy protecting you. What if you just seem like a needy, clingy, shlep, because you are a needy, clingy, schlep?

My dearest human, it does not have to be this way. You do not have to choose between relationship bliss in the short term and success in the long. You do not have to betray yourself, guess constantly, cross your fingers and whisper prayers to the holiness under your breath that it’s not going to end badly, or worse, become a twenty year purgatory that has no hope of either ending, or fulfilling your life.

There is a better way. A one bazillion times better way. And there is a small but fiercely shiny light at the end of this sad sad tunnel.

The thing is, you can’t do the thing that the World has taught us to do in hopes of keeping love alive: Stand in front of a room of 200 (give or take) friends, loved ones, family and random plus ones, DECLARING your oh so heart felt, strong and desperate intentions for a marriage that dances you through life, PROMISING that you will love, honour, cherish and obey, or mutually respect more modernly speaking, until you get dead, in hopes that this will KEEP IT ALL GOING SMOOTHLY FOR 4O YEARS.

The answer is in the question. The entire NEED for the declaration is the absolute LACK of ability of humans to make a relationship stick once the giddy shit wears off a little. Now you can biology me all you want, I can take it, but this isn’t just because we need to procreate. I guarantee that biology is a mess like we are if you look closely enough. It’s because we don’t have any tools or skills, or language, or support for setting the next 40 years up for success, so to speak.

I love me a wedding, but we have to wing and prayer via some hard core vows, because they’re going to white knuckle us through all the shit that goes wrong when we don’t know how to think about, understand and talk about relationship essentials. Like needs. And money. And sex. And parenting. Oh my list goes on.

This is why I, me, myself and my team at Dateable, have created our signature, wonderful, life and relationship altering masterclass, a term that I may soon replace on account of its over usage. Except that it is a class in mastery, that makes short work of all of this work.

I, friends, have seen too much. I cannot unsee, or unknow –how a woman exits a twenty year marriage never having had an orgasm. And a man exits not knowing he’s never known. Ugh. But sex is just the tip of the iceberg, the cherry on top. I have seen, before, during and after, how it derails when there is no need for the derailing. Communication, expectations, sneaky little patterns, compensations.

And I have dug oh so deep to make it stop. I have helped you stop circling the drain, get your relationship, never mind your mind (jk) out of the gutter. Together we have healed your trust, regained your faith in marriage, recovered your intimacy, made the intimacy better than ever –we have learned to champion, to embrace one another’s strengths. We have unwound yarn balls of conflict and felt incredibly inalterably unburdened. We have healed old wounds, forgiven, discovered how to move forward safely. We have felt confident for the first time in our own hearts, minds, skins to thrive in relationship, because we are thriving on the inside, where the digested chocolate bars and wine live (it’s been a long winter).

But my real passion, my super extra excitement factor, is getting it off the ground right. Trading the twenty years of what could have been, almost was great sex, for ACTUAL great sex. Leveraging money so that you aren’t figuring out at 60 that you coulda woulda shoulda done it your way.

I call this lovely learning, this magic if I may, Relationship Readiness, and the team and I have put it together into a program for you. You. Yes. Yours truly.

I’m not going to sweat the details here. But I will say it’s short and sweet 3 months, that you will be living through one way or another, with or without me. It’s an intensive, so it covers a lot in a little. It’s keeping it real, in other words, its accessible, and street smart, and not like a bunch of fluff that is sold in the self help isle. It’s easy to practice. The exercises are made to be easy in light of the demand on time and attention.

But best of all, you gain the built in conversation. You gain the tools and the frame of reference to ask them where they land. To initiate the discussion before it’s an issue. To explore the best of each other and change the way it all evolves, proactively.

This class is like a reversible blanket. You can use it as a single, so that you are ready, you walk in with an in depth understanding of yourself, your needs, and everything else under the sun. But you can also use it as couple entering into a serious relationship, eager to build it on solid ground. You can have all of those groundbreaking moments together, welcoming tools that make it easy to build it right. And last, but oh so not least, you can take it as an established couple. You can use it to augment what you have, to steer what are building, or to breathe life into what is ailing.

We all despair, as individuals, as a culture, as beloveds, that marriage ends in divorce. That relationships are “hard work”; a grind. But it never occurs to us that it might not be the nature of love itself, or the institution of marriage but rather that we don’t invest in it; we put on our fairy wings and sail our way to Lalaland on something like a prayer.

It’s actually not that much work to figure it out ahead of time.

It’s actually a little bit of investment that makes the rest of it pay dividends.

It’s actually less than a vacay, or a car, to have a permanent vacay from misery.

We RISK hundreds of thousands of bucks on divorce, the grueling conflict, the emotional despair, the depression, the entire war of it, and yet we don’t think to give ourselves some insurance, in well being, thriving, ease of communication. In joy.

For ourselves. Our children.

And as I’m fond of saying, for the love of all things good and beautiful. 

Like you. You’re good and beautiful. Do it for the love of you.

We need to start putting some TLC into the love, instead of cleaning up its messy dissolution.

Okay, well, it got a bit intense over here. Only because I have twenty three years of rescuing babies from the bathwater.

You get me?

Relationship Readiness.

It’s a thing.

It’s a hopeful, smart, life altering, divorce statistic bending, happiness jolting thing.

Ask me about it.

Sign up today.

Make it part of your matchmaking contract.

Or part of your commitment to love yourself more in 2024.

Make it a first step.

Love is just too good to leave to chance.

Better to lock that shit down.

I’ll show you how.

Much love,

Erin

The post Relationship Readiness first appeared on Dateable.

The post We Are the Champions first appeared on Dateable.

I mean obviously in life we need to be able to talk about our feelings.  

That is supported by the wellness movement.

And me.

Can you imagine how dull life would be for the hair stylist and the barista if they didn’t get the play by play every three inches of split ends or macchiato craving on the shenanigans, foibles, and array of grievances caused by our romantic exploits? Insufferable obviously.

The truth is that it takes some processing to work through a break up or a past relationship dynamic.

But we’ve also felt the inner cringe when we say something about them that feels, well perhaps a little unfair, or one sided, or tries to encapsulate our experience but falls short, or makes us feel harsh, or foolish, or unsettled, or some kind of way that isn’t amazing.

So why, when, and how, is it appropriate to share about the intimate life you shared with someone who was once your big love, or lesser love, or important enough to qualify as half of your whole?

Here are some basic guidelines: 

If we’re talking to a bestie or a bro obviously they’re going to have some context for what may be us venting; maybe they know the situation, they certainly know us. They are going to take whatever it is we say in that context. Sometimes we need to let ourselves get a little mad, or work through our judgmental idea. The amount of times I have supported a client through processing their extreme hurt-fueled feelings about an ex, knowing that the story will change with some healing, is plenty.

I don’t take their commentary literally.

I’ve been told some pretty interesting things over the years. I’ve often been told a different story later. I leave room for very new ideas to emerge once they have worked through some shit.

In fact, most of us are capable during bouts of emotion of saying some harsh things about those we love, even when they haven’t broken our hearts.

If it’s a bestie or bro:

Make sure to qualify your vent or rant.  This can be as simple as starting with or interjecting the following:

I’m aware that these conversations over the years have happened when I am frustrated and I have may not have shared all of the excellent moments with you.

I appreciate the good things about them. 

It’s so great that they did those amazing things but… 

This may be my mood or struggle today, but… 

I’m just venting I’ll feel differently tomorrow. 

Any small nod to the influence of perspective, mood or fear is going to give you room to simply process without feeling bad about your communication later or feeling you need to justify yourself with further criticism.

There is also a difference between processing so that we can move on from something and sliding into counterattack, which typically keeps the conflict alive and makes us feel powerless and stuck.

Maybe your ex ‘baby did a bad bad thing’. But we feel better when we make the room to honour the reasons we were in that relationship in the first place. After all it’s our story too, and eventually we want to move forward with only the good in our pocket.

Don’t overshare about your ex on a first date or early in a new relationship.  

Everyone wants to start a date or a new relationship with the story of how you got to where you are.

BUT BUT BUT, the problem is that this new person doesn’t know you. They don’t have context.

It’s fated to go wrong, in the sense that your very legitimate concerns don’t come across well.

Even if you garner sympathy, even if you are very deserving of sympathy, it will come at a cost.

EVEN if you’re mostly on the side of right, and 9.9/10 Cosmo readers would agree with you, THEY are going to be looking for red flags based on what they have survived in their ex relationships, and your green flags will look red. Or pink. You’ll be earnestly trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and you’ll sound like you’re not over it, or you’ll sound angry, or you’ll point out how Jenny or Ted did the thing and they will think, wait a minute, do I do that thing?

And then instead of their cute, intriguing, sexy date they will see reflected back at them the one thing they are most insecure about.

You need that validation and understanding but you’re not likely to get it here, because how can you? You are meeting a new person with their own relationship histories and their own triggers and catch phrases and concerns. There is a strong likelihood that what you mean will not be what they hear.

Also, a new date or relationship should be about you and the new person, because whatever your ex did or didn’t do, or what they think you did or didn’t do, regardless of how right you are or what you put up with, sincerely even if it was bad acting, is taking up precious space for creating something better, more joyful, healthier. You don’t want to bring that person into your future, especially if they’re not buying the dinner.

Once you are established in your dynamic then it’s okay to confide in your new person, but be mindful about it. You don’t want to unintentionally make them your therapist, or riddle your new romantic life with constant comparisons or commentary.

Do consider your most vulnerable audience. 

I know it’s tempting to air their dirty laundry, especially the stuff you threw out onto the lawn when you found out about you know who. But undermining another’s human dignity never helps anyone else, or you. It feels just a little bit dirty, even if deserved. A good practice is to imagine their healthier healed self, the one you fell for, or the one that may emerge after a decent bout of therapeutic intervention and ask would you want to be exposing that them to this?

Or imagine what their Mom would think say or feel if she was to hear the dirt? Okay fine, maybe you don’t like their mom either.

Then consider their children, real or not yet born, or imagined. Or yours. Or both of yours.

How would you share if someone who needs the best from this person was listening?  

Better to say “I loved them but we have very different ideas and ways.” I mean I’m generalizing across a vast number of complicated scenarios and if the psyches of real live children are on the line there are wonderful professionals that can help you help your children feel safe.

I’m sure you have good reasons on a good day to feel they have it coming, but remember that scene in “27 Dresses” when she presents the power point of her sister’s deceptive behaviour to an entire room full of her wedding attendees? It’s funny as hell to watch in a movie, but even in the movie it doesn’t make anyone come to Jesus, or hail Mary.

Do prepare your story. 

Whether you’re going into a new date or simply swapping stories with an old friend, work out in advance the story you feel good about telling. Focus on your feelings rather than judgment or accusation. It was really hard. I felt so abandoned. Frame it inside the good years or what you loved about one another.

The truth is that romantic relationship is THE PLACE where our unhealed places are exposed. It’s a level of intimacy beyond that which we experience in other relationships. It warrants some grace and forgiveness. Even ten percent more than you thought you could muster will go a long way to bringing you peace.

And it’s better not to be caught off guard.

Sometimes a simple “We grew apart” is a sufficient default answer.

Or “We had so many good years”.

State your intention.

It can be tremendously helpful to speak to what you want in order to frame your narrative of the past.

I wish for healing for everyone involved.  

I hope that they find happiness, or get help, or recover, so that we can both thrive in new relationships.  

I want to feel at peace about this. 

Try to avoid wishing that they would rot in hell, LOL.

Reach out to a professional.

And last but not least, there are safe spaces where you can let it all out uncensored. A good relationship professional will be able to let you air your grievances, see through your hyperbole, and help you to resolve your confusion or pain so you’re not one well crafted martini away from giving love a bad name.

None of us are going to get this perfect. But if we err on the side of awareness and practice compassion, if we strive to be a touch more careful we stand to spin all of that old heartache into new relationship gold.

Much Love,

Erin

The post Ex’s and Oh’s first appeared on Dateable.

Of course there is some correlation between the two. During the pandemic there were studies revealing that a rise in loneliness was attributable not just to disconnection from our close friends and immediate family, but a loss of relationships with ‘consequential strangers’ or insignificant others if you will; those we share space with at restaurants and parks and art galleries and concerts. Turns out that social gathering is extremely important for fostering connection among humans beyond our more intimate relationships and the loss of it contributes to feelings of loneliness and isolation. So if you thought you were crazy for caring about restaurants so much, you’re not (hang on a sec I need to make a quick call; yes that’s a table for 2 at 8, thank you).

I don’t think there is a whole lot of merit in diving into the impact of loneliness for the sake of this musing. It can lead to depression and other serious mental health challenges. But even before it gets bad enough to be medically serious, it’s shitty. I’m not running clinical studies, but I read a recent Harvard report on all of the unexpectedly wonderful spill-over effects of long term relationship on health and quality of life. Human connection, collaboration, support, sharing equals good. Lack thereof equals not so good. And while romantic relationship per se is not for everyone, many of us want it, and even the loners of the world need those they can be “alone from”, which is different than feeling alone-ness is foisted upon you, or a painful struggle.

Add to this the post pandemic trend toward dropping out of social engagement; social apathy. Our muscles atrophied. We were sad but the sadness did not motivate us to engage, rather it weighed upon us, made it feel harder and heavier to get out the door, to navigate the grocery store or the mall or the celebration. I mean PANTS were hard, after the coziness of yoga apparel and pajamas, after the memes about pandemic-chic, the devil may care couture, the anti-chic.

If I still struggle with constrictive clothing now that it’s 2024 (almost), of course there are implications for our social selves. I know of neighborhoods where hours never returned to pre-pandemic status. Entire businesses that invented a new normal, and that is that. There is less work place connection, and while I’m certainly not saying work from home isn’t way easier on many facets of the economy and the human experience, I am noting it’s impact on our opportunities for connection.

I’m sure that some of this was a much needed reset. Lowered expectations allowed for restrictions in commerce that would not have previously been tolerated. But for those who are alone, reduced open hours means more time to go be alone.

Dating apps weren’t getting a lot of glow before the global shutdown, but in an environment where people were yearning to feel included, needed, related to, bonded, warmth, a genuine sentiment that would carry them through the fear and distress, the absence of opportunities for meaningful engagement where we expected to find them, GLARED.

Why is that? I have conversations every day with you where I get to learn why. You feel up-shopped. You feel traded. You feel transactional. Commodified. What you get from a photograph and an “about me” aren’t conversation, whimsical laughter, or meaning. You’re ohhh sooo tired of falling short of an idealized solution to someone’s life. You are bored with cold and clinical. The sizing up and down. No one is real.  No one flirts. No one is playful, if you get to the date in the first place. There is a sea of illusory options, but you can’t connect with any of them. There is no hack for the feeling you are looking for. There is no methodology for turning the smiling face and string of words into passion. And the IRL has been broken by reliance on online.

When you add atrophy to fatigue you get drop out. You get resignation. Feelings of helplessness. A society wide sigh, I am meant to be alone.  

And what about our newly AI driven culture? Okay AI is super cool. I am not indicting anyone or anything. I’m simply following the way it’s trending in terms of our ability to connect, and what I am hearing is that in many ways we have roboticized our way out of the human element, touch, creative spark, artistic genius, variability, scent. Collectively we feel like the kid who couldn’t find a partner in gym class. The message is cruel.

And don’t get me started on social media because I am not against it, but isn’t the critique that it creates an outsider culture? You can share, but you can’t belong.

Lonely.

And not sexy.

There is no sultry make out session on the outside of connection.

Division in politics. Diversity division.

It’s true that we need our consequential strangers.

But to stay consequential we need to believe in each other and in our collective engagement. That there is a possibility of conversation, of friendship, of camaraderie, of flirtation. To feel like putting on that dress we need to believe in seeing and being seen.

Or we –they simply become the blurred Zoom background.

The image of a city.

If you ask me, the rise in loneliness mirrors Emile Durkheim’s theory of “anomie”.

Durkheim was famous for his studies on increased suicide rates in factory workers during the advance of specialized labor post industrialization. He posited that disconnection of the means to the ends of work, disassociation from the sense of meaning in having created a tangible product, caused lack of engagement, apathy, hopelessness, and despair.

Maybe we can describe our current epidemic as HUMAN anomie; disassociation from one another, individually and as a group. Our efforts toward one another are lost in space. The most popular line I read in online dating chat which I have studied extensively these past few years and managed for many clients, is “Nice to connect”. And yet there is seldom any connection. Because the algorithm isn’t leaking pheromones, or exuding essence of human, lol. We have infinite access and very little opportunity.

We no longer believe in or feel much about the person behind the profile.

The string of words.

The credentials.

The smiling photos.

The possibility that they will feel twitterpated by us or make us feel twitterpated.

When my kids were small, I schooled them on the nature of school. I didn’t want them to fear authority. They are paid to teach you so that you have choices in your life. This is their JOB, I urged them to understand. It helped. It truly helped. Fear dialed down. Well being increased in our home. But I also, most importantly shared with them this hack; if you’re going to be there everyday, and you’re gonna be because society and law and shit, you need to actually TRY to learn. You need to be involved and inputting effort, so that you can feel good about yourself, regardless of what is or isn’t going on with your teacher or whether the system that was set up to help you is the best one for you, or effective in general.

We need to invest as humans to feel good.

When we stop caring, trying, and investing we atrophy.

And I would argue that we need to invest in humans to feel good.

We need a ‘room full of strangers’ we reasonably believe could talk to us, ignite our interest, or feel ignited by us, whether or not that includes a crush or a future date or a soul mate or someone to compliment our outfit or accomplishment.

The biggest lie in today’s profile, media and dating alike, is not your weight or age, or height or your income, or a perfect story worthy life, it’s your level of engagement.

It’s your promise to dig in, deep even. To converse. To respond. To meaningfully allow for chemistry when you have nothing initially to go on.

To hold space for the warmth, humor, adorability, the sultriness, sensuality, pheromones, the je ne sais quois. 

It’s your, our, a belief in human warmth and worthiness.

The infinite essence that animates the shopping list or the campaign.

We need to hang on to what we have left.

We need to find ways back to what we have lost, or given up on.

That is our antidote to anomie.

We are made to care. We can’t be cut off from our ability to care and expect to thrive.

One word, one question, one face at a time.

The jolt of joy we get from treating someone well, irrespective of whether they are lighting our fire.

We need to let someone shine, rather than focusing on the parts that AI and Insta can do better.

Everyone has something insanely glorious to share, something bigger, something borne of being human not in the fallible sense, but being part of humanity that is the whole machine.

We need to remember that we like them for what they unapologetically bring to the table.

We need to be less afraid to lead with what we have to offer.

Ask a personal question.

Listen to the answer.

Engage with their story.

Share something vulnerable about ourselves.

There is a philosophy, let’s generously call it that, more like an idea that is perpetuated in business advice content that you are the reflection of the 5 people you hang with most, give or take a person. Well the fears were a flying the first time I saw that typed across some influencer’s daily contribution to my future investment portfolio. A horrible feeling ensued of painful conflict wherein I measured all of the shortcomings of my most beloved crew against the needs of my future financial self. It was not pretty. I needed, according to my latest guru, to quickly break up with everyone and start pal’in around with Elon and the gang so I could shoot for a moon and retire on a lesser known star before turning 80. Worse was the notion that I should run my nearest and dearest through some math equation (ewwww), discern my bad life choices and whatever that says about my unwillingness to realize my potential (more ewwww).

But when the fear dissipated I realized this: that my crew is freaking smart. Funny in a way that disarms me daily. Profoundly giving. Genius. Creative. Caring. And we would kill for one another, without actually killing. Even on our worst days, we know that we’re unstoppable together, and that our strengths are a net and that our foibles are nothing more than material for the act.

Emotions run high during the holiday season.

Holiday loneliness is the sense that joy is sparkling and twinkling in the atmosphere, but you cannot touch it. You are left on the outside.

By a problem you can’t solve alone but you feel you must.

By the need to give against a needfulness too great to fathom.

But I’m here today to say don’t underestimate yourself, please.

You can give your curiosity.

You can give your faith.

In that big powerful irreplaceable something in yourself and the person across from you.

The reason your circle can’t survive without you.

The reason we all can’t.

You have the power to lift someone up.

Sprinkle that shit everywhere you can this season.

Remind them who they are.

Remember who you are.

We aren’t faces in a sea of faces.

We are an ocean. Yeah.

Dating anomie, online fatigue; an epidemic of loneliness among the single and coupled alike.

It’s time to find our way back to one another.

Breathe some life into our avatars.

Open our eyes, wide.

Love,

Erin

The post I’m So Lonely Baby first appeared on Dateable.

But this week, let’s take the Mickey’s out of the limelight for a hot minute and turn our attention to Mr. Nice guy and what he is all about. Because here is the thing. Mr. Nice guy is not always, drumroll, wait for it, so nice. Sometimes “nice guys” and the sad story they wave around like a department store credit card, are not actually what they seem to be. Sometimes there are actual, solid, valid, and very WISE reasons why we don’t want to get involved with the nice guy. Sometimes NICE isn’t actually so nice.

What does that even mean, Erin? Aren’t we all in training to choose nice? And if not nice, is there anyone left? Can I only date medium guys? Is there a litmus test? Are you selling it? Can I get a ten pack?

Well Friend, slow your roll, slow your roll. What this means is that so often I have women confessing to me as though I was a Priestess behind a black curtain, their terrible horrible deep down secret sinful aversion to nice guys. “It must be my past. I must be self sabotaging. Maybe I like the drama. Maybe it’s my fear of intimacy. Maybe he’s just like my father.” Well of course PATTERNS ARE A THING. I can help with them. But today, I want to help you right now and in this very moment, get a little closer to your Spidey senses, and a little less quick to blame your aversion to the nice guy on your muddy soul and Great Great Grandpapa.

Sometimes ‘nice’ is a moniker for the dis-empowered man. It is a BIG HUGE RED FLAG alerting us to the manipulator who chooses to hide behind acts of do-gooding. I do something kindly or charitable, but I don’t do it with sincerity but as something of an emotional tax shelter, so that I can be the good guy, sympathetic, while I don’t show up in a meaningful way romantically and blame women for not choosing poor little old me. We’ve all met this kind of man. We applaud his humility, but he isn’t humble, he is playing the long game. He expects that we should all fall to his knees because he has taken care of his mother, or donated to the orphans, or because he is the quiet guy in the corner at the bar who isn’t peacocking. When we really TUNE IN to this kind of vibe it’s pretty gross. It’s like an attention grab disguised as a wave of “Oh, who, me, no aww shucks”. It’s desperate and yucky and attention seeking. He drops good deeds faster than a social climber drops the Kardashians.

Sometimes nice is there to disorient us, red fish us away from unacceptable behavior. “But I helped her in her garden, I washed her car”, glossing over the twenty jealous texts when she was out with her girlfriend.

Sometimes it is used to create a reputation of moral upstandingness in a community, to mask a deeper pathology. A diplomatic immunity if you will. You see this in men (and all genders) with positions of power, the Emperor’s Syndrome, where no one can afford to question your integrity and they get behind your nice guy story with pom poms for fear of either your wrath, or losing your hand out, or generally going against the confused populace.

Or an excuse…I run around manically buying you flowers you don’t care for and lining up my list of kindnesses so as to avoid or cover up for my unwillingness to address your fundamental needs or concerns in a relationship or dating scenario.

“Nice guys” let’s call them FAKE Nice Guys, or FNG’s operate on a spectrum of “aww shucks who me” to downright entitlement and even aggression. They blame their “luck” on women’s pathology. They can use the facade to mask inappropriate behavior; to cover for a lack of confidence; to obscure emotional avoidance; to blame for lack of initiative or follow through. For expectations that “niceness” entitles them to attention, gratitude, involvement or even sex.

If I NICE ALL OVER YOU, then you should put out, put up, date me or revere me.

Yes, WE ALL want to feel good about our good deeds. But we don’t want to use them to manipulate another’s romantic response to us. When we are healthy we want genuine connection. We want our date to be intrigued, fascinated, even a healthy interest is a good start. We want equal and reciprocal. If we have to BEND them toward us, we don’t want it, it feels cheap and artificial.

The actual position of the FNG, is “I deserve or earn your attention by my behaviour whether you want it or not”. It is inherently harassing.

FNG Syndrome power trips. It controls. It harasses.

FNGS objectifies. It makes YOU (recipient of any gender) a commodity that can be earned by points on the good deeds card.

Sometimes FNGS manifests as the man who is nice in his career, or great as a bud, wreaking devastation as a romantic partner and expecting a free pass on that.

A bulletin from up above: THERE ARE NO FREE PASSES AND NICENESS IS NOT TRANSFERABLE. If you bought Bob lunch that does not mean you can treat Karen like dirt.

If you save lives all day long, that does not give you a pass inside Karen’s britches. Neither does the round you bought the bar. And buying Karen jewelry doesn’t mean you can objectify her, which you are doing the second you expect her to tolerate your disrespect, your manipulation, your avoidance, your infidelity, your mistreatment or your abuse in trade.

AND ALL OF THIS is not to say there aren’t genuine KIND and HUMBLE men out there. Who don’t have an agenda. Who want to be appreciated, but don’t have a manipulative bone in their body.

How do you spot them? Well you LIKE them. Because they aren’t making the hairs stand up on the back of your neck and your senses get all she-wolf. You feel safe with them. You aren’t questioning your sanity or your anger or your revulsion or your frustration five minutes inside of the gate.

I’m not angry at FNG’s. I even know some actual REAL LIFE FAKE NICE GUYS, or misguided guys who don’t know how to fix their shit and desperately want some kind of positive feedback from a world that imposes a shitty bullying model of masculinity upon us wee humans. I KNOW why you fake it. Because the World has set you up for failure, truly. Because it’s painted you in a corner where you need to outdo and out-compete and feel nothing doing it, and by you I mean all of us, because you can’t be in it and not be part of it, and you can’t fix part of it and not all of it, and you don’t want to. I’d much rather you feel confident, and able to be respected for what and who you are, to feel worthy and stop hiding behind your cloak of good deeds. The best way to outsmart the enemy is to save him from himself.

So what is the alternative? It’s not actually a gym pass and a motorcycle.

Turns out it is being real. Brave. Honest. Sharing from the beating red heart in your chest, even if it takes MOFO courage to do it. Learning to love and respect the inner you, so you can stop hiding already.

Entitlement is gross. No matter how you slice it, or which side of the pendulum you swing to.

What is ACTUALLY nice???

Actual niceness is without agenda. Or without trying to be without agenda. Actual nice guys are not pouting in their beer about the women who don’t appreciate their niceness.

Listen. I know it’s hard. But you aren’t going to win the war or the game with all of the reasons why it was unfair.

And you know what? Your entitlement won’t get you there either. Your amazing prowess or celebrity won’t make you a catch. It won’t make you subject to your own set of rules that escape ethical considerations. If you think you want to lead with your wallet, to skim the surface; to have women choosing you for the bag you will buy them, or the surgery you will afford them, please know that YOU DESERVE BETTER. You won’t have affection or love; you will have an arrangement. And you can tell me you want this until the COWS COME HOME, but I won’t believe that at the end of the long long day, you really want this. Because I know what it looks like when THIS wears off. And if you treat anyone along the way like they should suffer your shit because you are “successful” then you will have nothing more than an ARRANGEMENT. You’ll be a big gun, but you won’t be an equal, and you won’t be loved as one.

Being nice doesn’t make you a catch any more than being an asshole makes you sexy.

If you feel like a victim in relationship, if you feel excluded from meaningful romantic connection, then that is something to look at, regardless of how you got there. It may seem easier to pitch yourself a story, it may seem easier to hide, but you don’t want a plaque on the pavement in Pleasantville. You want REAL respect and love and to get that you have to come out of hiding.

This doesn’t mean you have to stop saving kittens from trees in your dungarees and muscles. Duh. It doesn’t mean you can’t like a little attention or validation or appreciation. We aren’t really wired to be secret Santas. This isn’t a competition for who can be the most altruistic. Don’t even get me started on that GARBAGE.

But don’t trade NICE on the emotional stock market.

Don’t hide behind it.

Don’t use it to blame or mistreat.

Don’t expect a woman to want it and then disparage her because she doesn’t.

You have something GOLDEN in there and infinitely loveable. Find that instead.

If you hear the victim song singing in your ear, it probably means that you have believed in a lie, and that there is a better path, that we need to get you off the Mickey Rourke Mickey Mouse pendulum and on your way to feeling worthy, confident in your ability to be a solid partner, respected and loved, and even sexy in your britches.

We need to leave the wild rainstorm brick wall sex to the professionals and grow you a little growl on the inside.

Wouldn’t that be NICE?

Love,

Erin

The post Nice Guys and Big Guns first appeared on Dateable.

The post Happy New Year first appeared on Dateable.