Here’s the thing…if you’re going to have a LTR, that means long term relationship, some shit is going to down, one day, sometime. And if you haven’t got the pre-training, the pre-set, the pro-tips that that help you establish a foundation for you know, basic shit like what is it okay to need and ask for and expect from your partner? And then HOW do you do it, without, you know sounding demanding or critical or judgy or entitled or whatever it is you are afraid of coming across as? Is it possible to say Oh boy you said or did this thing and then I was sad and I really need you to do or not do a thing so I can feel better but also don’t feel attacked but also you screwed up and I’m mad but also I love you or I wouldn’t even feel hurt that you did or didn’t do the thing so really it means that you are loveable and fabulous so quit being such a jerk. Please. But also you’re great. The problem with hurt, is that it’s just so… hurty. It fires off all of these danger signals in our brain, that basically tell us we are abandoned or not important or undervalued or even, wait for it, more invested than the other person. That we must care more, give more, do more, love more. And what does that even mean? Who knows, but something not good. We wanna be loved. We don’t want something to tell us we are less than loved. We want their deep smit, their crush, their adoration, their ‘only for us’ eyes. And we have different ideas of what that looks like than they do, big SIGH. So when hurt has gone down, how do we fix it? How do we get back on track? Here are five things to consider and apply:
- It’s important to consider what is an ‘us thing’ and what is a ‘them thing’. Do we really feel hurt because of them, or because of Kelly, who was never there for us. Or because of Dad or Mom who did or didn’t do the thing. Sometimes we just need a big old self hug, or some support.
- They might see it differently, for so many reasons. They might have a different love language than us, or maybe no love language at all, and yet they still love us. Deep in the dark recesses of their psyche.
- If things are good, generally speaking, then what we want is to keep things good, without sweeping important needs under the rug, so we need to remember that things are good and approach a conversation with the ‘let’s be all that we can be’ attitude. Don’t lead with the hurt, which simply engenders feelings of failure and defensiveness, lead with how they can help, what we need, some gentle language about how it would mean a lot to us, if only…
- If we are asking someone to try a new thing, we will need to embrace the trying. They might not do it perfectly, but they need to be encouraged or they will feel defeated and give up. If you ask them to try and they agree to try for you, then wipe the slate clean. Don’t test them, don’t go into it with your doubt-meter running.
- If things are bad, meaning if you are years into old wounds festering, trust will be harder to come by. Being asked to let go of that shield of resentment and injustice may seem like you are being asked to get into the cage with a ravenous tiger. Whom you love. Or loved. Or don’t want to give up on because you are tied together, on a boat, in the ocean with some other jungle animals that may or may not have eaten each other. And that is when the internal boundary comes in. When you need to promise yourself that you’re not going to spend your life unhappy and put a timeline around checking in with yourself and your health. This will give you the emotional space to give them a fighting chance to show up differently without having to be perfect at it out of the gate. An old tiger can learn new tricks. Even that one in Madagascar who doesn’t eat his friends if you’re up on your animated films.
The truth is it’s hard to need things from another human and risk not getting them. And it’s so much easier to figure out the how to of needing and satisfying needs going in than sometime down the road. One of my beloved clients shared with me this ludicrous idea the other day of getting couple’s counselling going into a relationship. I call this relationship building. And yes, I may have a different approach than what is out there traditionally, but I truly believe in going in with your head on straight. Understanding the how and why of what goes down, and building a process for it into the relationship. I also believe in stitching up wounds so that they heal. It feels oh so much better than walking around with a thorn in your paw, making everything feel painful and aggravating. I’m here to help you, help them, love you better. I’m here to help you love them better back. So number six, is call a pal. Just kidding. Call a tiger tamer, who can dial down the fear, and turn that beast back into your best friend.
Much love,
Erin