What do we do when someone we care about, our bestie, our bro, our sister, our parent, our child (may the good great All Mighty spare us!!!) is dating, falling for, or permanently attached by the holy bonds of matrimony to someone we don’t approve of? I mean obviously for very excellent reasons. We don’t just go around not approving of our people’s people to spice things up when Succession wraps. We want to like them, after all. We go into it with high hopes for the expansion of our family dynamics, for the general well being of them, it’s not just about us. We want to see them happy and thriving. We want them to land the King to their Queen or Queen to their Queen, and all of the other permutations and combinations of harmonious happy that may apply to our “them”. Maybe it’s not about approval in a high and mighty, pedigree sense. Or maybe it is. Maybe we really care about what the Country Club members are gonna say. Because we really love the Country Club, or the Yacht Cub, or the YPO. And after all of those horse back riding lessons and private schools we are invested. Maybe we value education and he’s like you know, the classic ne’er-do-well. Maybe he is looking for a nurse and a purse, while he can’t hold down a job and he’s on the beer before it’s even noon, or until it’s noon which is basically rolling over into the next happy hour. Maybe she seems to inspire a lot of favors, gifts, Prada bags, or has sketchy bills that are mysteriously taken care of, while she doesn’t seem too focused on the well being of our beloved bro. She’s rocking the Pam Anderson vibe and we’re a bit more Audrey H. Maybe they are a bit too conspiracy theorist, or maybe, just maybe, it’s worse than that. As bad as it can get. Maybe they say things like… “I seen it with my own eyes” and well, you can’t unhear that. You. Just. Can’t. Unhear.
Are we supposed to just be quiet? Just be okay with watching our dear one put up with that bullshit, when we know they could do oh sooo much better? Are we supposed to take the calls complaining about the way they were flirting with everyone at the party again? Are we supposed to endure the holiday dinners listening to their awful politics, their off-side remarks, enduring their stand off condescension, arrogance, drama; the tackiest shade of lipstick?
Never mind them for a minute. What if we loved their previous partner? What if Susan or Bob was funny and charming, was the perfect compliment to the fam jam, brought us actual jam in those tiny cute jars, and now this new person makes us cringe, rage, cry with grief. The Holidays now evoke dreams of far off escapes on remote beaches with entomology volumes and undiscovered species, instead of mulled wine and singsongs gathered beneath a festive tree.
What if, even worse than worse, they are a good, decent person that is just a terrible match for them and we know it. Even if we can’t put a finger on it or speak it out loud without seeming horrible. What if they just BUG us. Rub us the wrong way? What if we are horrible?
Well good buddy, I have good and bad news for you today, but take heart, I also provide an easy reference guide for best practices. So you can suffer less. Feel like a good human. Avoid drama. Or hurting anyone by you know, losing your ever loving passive aggressive mind one unsuspecting evening over the turkey lurky. Happens to the best of us.
Here is the THING. The first and foremost thing. The thing to keep in mind when approaching the topic of your BF’s GF.
We can’t actually know who is or isn’t the right person for our dear one. I’m so sorry. I mean beyond certain extremes of toxic behaviour which I will circle back to.
We can’t know because of two more THINGS.
Thing One: Because of Love Juice in the brain.
Meaning we aren’t the ones in love with the new (or old) love interest.
We aren’t frolicking, swimming, or drowning as the case may be, in all of those wild brain chemicals.
We aren’t Marsha Brady swooning and mooning, pouring her milk outside the glass.
We never were. Not with them.
They will never appear to us swathed in dewy morning glow and promise. We will never think forever thoughts. We won’t call them Baby Cakes, Pookie Wookie, or speak to them in dulcet tones.
When we are “in love” with someone we see them through a romantic lens.
The way they tie their shoes is adorable.
Their hopes and dreams are noble, visionary; the crocheting business for hamsters, the app that tells you whether it’s a hotdog or a hamburger.
Their troubles are heart wrenching.
We don’t see them as a needy person with bad boundaries.
We see them as someone who cares so deeply about others that there is nothing they wouldn’t do for a friend. She really needed the thousand dollar shoes and a convertible. He is not lazy he’s just misunderstood. It’s not his fault he lost another job. Screw the man for telling him he had to wear a clean suit and take out the skull forehead piercing.
I mean I am being extreme.
There are beautiful things about knowing someone intimately; seeing them through romantic eyes. There are beautiful things about falling in love with the version of them that is veiled to outsiders. Love inspires miracles. True d’at. It makes us rise above. Sometimes a little love brings out our untapped potential.
And you know what? We may have the truer version of our love interest than the rest of the world because we have a different kind of access and exposure.
The World probably has it wrong.
It’s THE big reason that we need to water the romantic garden in a relationship.
That Lovey Dovey Brain Juice Cocktail is what keeps romantic relationship alive.
We may wear many many hats in a relationship, but what sustains all of that multiple hat wearing is the love drug.
We don’t do well when the romantic mojo falters.
The connection, intimacy, attraction, chemistry, attachment, the oxytocin factor, is what fuels us to merge lives, to co-parent, to cohabitate, to co-family, to run the joint venture ship that is marriage, and when it dissipates or disappears we are left looking at this random person who seems to have strong opinions on the laundry folding and suddenly as Meatloaf said so well we’re “praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you”.
The second THING, related to the first, is that not being in love with Baby Cakes, Snookum, Pookie Wookie Face, our math equation won’t be the same. We won’t be getting all of good stuff that our BF gets so the balance will always weigh in the favour of the qualities we don’t like.
We also won’t be in the same personal growth relationship with this relationship. We aren’t and can’t be invested the same way. It’s easy for us to get all high horse about their lack of standing up for themselves, or putting their foot down, or wanting more, but that is because we aren’t experiencing the same math. What we want and need in a partner might be vastly different than what they want and need. The starving artist with the devil may care attitude about materialism and the tender poetic heart may be the best path forward for them, even if it seems like a bad movie plot to us.
Sometimes we luck out, and the significant others that make it to our inner circle and our family holiday tables are dreamy, lovely; we cross our fingers and giveth thanks, sacrifice a stuffed goat (not a real stuffed goat, that’s cruel) and throw some crazy glue on the whole situation. We lavish praise, encouragement, support. We do what it takes to lock that shit down.
But when we don’t, what do we do?
Well, that depends, and here’s what it depends on.
- Have we been asked? If our BF is asking us for our heartfelt insight on their relationship choice, well I still say proceed with caution. Ask; are they really wanting the cold hard truth, or are they seeking reassurance, and if we slam Pookie they are about to ugly cry and take a break from hanging. Ask them out right are you needing some reassurance or are you having real concerns? Still tread lightly. Avoid absolutes. If you are concerned try stating what you want for them, rather than what you are fearful of. I want you to feel free and confident, for example if they are feeling insecure in a dynamic. Try prefacing your response with the qualifier; I am not in this relationship so I don’t have all of the information. If we have not been asked, an unsolicited opinion may rain hard on your BF’s happy love-in. And what is the point of that if it only drives them into Pookie’s arms and away from your family or friendship, with a stop at hurt and resentment-ville along the way.
- What is the nature of our relationship? Some friends are hard core, tell it to me straight with one another. Some share it all. If that is you, well then you have more leeway for sharing concerns. But still take the other’s sensitivity into account. We typically want our people to accept and embrace our love interests. It’s important to differentiate concerns from fears and judgments, and to save space for your BF’s needs being different than yours.
- Are they unsafe, or unhealthy? It’s one thing to dislike lazy, or broke, or rigid, or materialistic, or trying too hard, or whatever it is. It’s a different matter if there are issues of toxic jealousy, control, theft, abuse, verbal abuse, or other forms of mistreatment. If you suspect illegal or abusive behavior it’s time to consult a professional, in a hurry, before you act, because the wrong action could put them at risk in multiple ways.
- What is our end game? We want our BF’s to be well. To be taken good care of. We want a big freaking happy fam jam where everyone laughs and celebrates. Or our version of a peaceful dynamic. But sometimes they are not living their best lives by our standards. Maybe it’s pretty toxic but not the kind of danger anyone can do anything about. Well then we seek a balance. We provide unconditional support for their happiness; we take our cues from them, we allow them the dignity of deciding what is or isn’t right for them, we share where it is solicited, loving, and helpful, but we do so with compassion and candour. We forgive ourselves for struggling to tolerate another’s eccentricities. We focus on what is redeeming. Maybe they are good with animals? And we form our own boundaries where we need to; saying no to bad behavior or conflict at our holiday table, or paring the time spent back a bit, finding more one on one time for our loved one. And if all else fails, well there’s a remote island I’ve heard of just off the coast of Bora Bora that’s only a 24 hour flight and 3 day boat ride away from Pookie and Smushy Face, where only the actual bugs will bug you.
Love, Erin