Do you ever wonder how to talk about your ex? Or come on, let’s be real, your exes, plural? Or does that come easily to you? Roll off the tongue?
I mean obviously in life we need to be able to talk about our feelings.
That is supported by the wellness movement.
And me.
Can you imagine how dull life would be for the hair stylist and the barista if they didn’t get the play by play every three inches of split ends or macchiato craving on the shenanigans, foibles, and array of grievances caused by our romantic exploits? Insufferable obviously.
The truth is that it takes some processing to work through a break up or a past relationship dynamic.
But we’ve also felt the inner cringe when we say something about them that feels, well perhaps a little unfair, or one sided, or tries to encapsulate our experience but falls short, or makes us feel harsh, or foolish, or unsettled, or some kind of way that isn’t amazing.
So why, when, and how, is it appropriate to share about the intimate life you shared with someone who was once your big love, or lesser love, or important enough to qualify as half of your whole?
Here are some basic guidelines:
If we’re talking to a bestie or a bro obviously they’re going to have some context for what may be us venting; maybe they know the situation, they certainly know us. They are going to take whatever it is we say in that context. Sometimes we need to let ourselves get a little mad, or work through our judgmental idea. The amount of times I have supported a client through processing their extreme hurt-fueled feelings about an ex, knowing that the story will change with some healing, is plenty.
I don’t take their commentary literally.
I’ve been told some pretty interesting things over the years. I’ve often been told a different story later. I leave room for very new ideas to emerge once they have worked through some shit.
In fact, most of us are capable during bouts of emotion of saying some harsh things about those we love, even when they haven’t broken our hearts.
If it’s a bestie or bro:
Make sure to qualify your vent or rant. This can be as simple as starting with or interjecting the following:
I’m aware that these conversations over the years have happened when I am frustrated and I have may not have shared all of the excellent moments with you.
I appreciate the good things about them.
It’s so great that they did those amazing things but…
This may be my mood or struggle today, but…
I’m just venting I’ll feel differently tomorrow.
Any small nod to the influence of perspective, mood or fear is going to give you room to simply process without feeling bad about your communication later or feeling you need to justify yourself with further criticism.
There is also a difference between processing so that we can move on from something and sliding into counterattack, which typically keeps the conflict alive and makes us feel powerless and stuck.
Maybe your ex ‘baby did a bad bad thing’. But we feel better when we make the room to honour the reasons we were in that relationship in the first place. After all it’s our story too, and eventually we want to move forward with only the good in our pocket.
Don’t overshare about your ex on a first date or early in a new relationship.
Everyone wants to start a date or a new relationship with the story of how you got to where you are.
BUT BUT BUT, the problem is that this new person doesn’t know you. They don’t have context.
It’s fated to go wrong, in the sense that your very legitimate concerns don’t come across well.
Even if you garner sympathy, even if you are very deserving of sympathy, it will come at a cost.
EVEN if you’re mostly on the side of right, and 9.9/10 Cosmo readers would agree with you, THEY are going to be looking for red flags based on what they have survived in their ex relationships, and your green flags will look red. Or pink. You’ll be earnestly trying to give them the benefit of the doubt and you’ll sound like you’re not over it, or you’ll sound angry, or you’ll point out how Jenny or Ted did the thing and they will think, wait a minute, do I do that thing?
And then instead of their cute, intriguing, sexy date they will see reflected back at them the one thing they are most insecure about.
You need that validation and understanding but you’re not likely to get it here, because how can you? You are meeting a new person with their own relationship histories and their own triggers and catch phrases and concerns. There is a strong likelihood that what you mean will not be what they hear.
Also, a new date or relationship should be about you and the new person, because whatever your ex did or didn’t do, or what they think you did or didn’t do, regardless of how right you are or what you put up with, sincerely even if it was bad acting, is taking up precious space for creating something better, more joyful, healthier. You don’t want to bring that person into your future, especially if they’re not buying the dinner.
Once you are established in your dynamic then it’s okay to confide in your new person, but be mindful about it. You don’t want to unintentionally make them your therapist, or riddle your new romantic life with constant comparisons or commentary.
Do consider your most vulnerable audience.
I know it’s tempting to air their dirty laundry, especially the stuff you threw out onto the lawn when you found out about you know who. But undermining another’s human dignity never helps anyone else, or you. It feels just a little bit dirty, even if deserved. A good practice is to imagine their healthier healed self, the one you fell for, or the one that may emerge after a decent bout of therapeutic intervention and ask would you want to be exposing that them to this?
Or imagine what their Mom would think say or feel if she was to hear the dirt? Okay fine, maybe you don’t like their mom either.
Then consider their children, real or not yet born, or imagined. Or yours. Or both of yours.
How would you share if someone who needs the best from this person was listening?
Better to say “I loved them but we have very different ideas and ways.” I mean I’m generalizing across a vast number of complicated scenarios and if the psyches of real live children are on the line there are wonderful professionals that can help you help your children feel safe.
I’m sure you have good reasons on a good day to feel they have it coming, but remember that scene in “27 Dresses” when she presents the power point of her sister’s deceptive behaviour to an entire room full of her wedding attendees? It’s funny as hell to watch in a movie, but even in the movie it doesn’t make anyone come to Jesus, or hail Mary.
Do prepare your story.
Whether you’re going into a new date or simply swapping stories with an old friend, work out in advance the story you feel good about telling. Focus on your feelings rather than judgment or accusation. It was really hard. I felt so abandoned. Frame it inside the good years or what you loved about one another.
The truth is that romantic relationship is THE PLACE where our unhealed places are exposed. It’s a level of intimacy beyond that which we experience in other relationships. It warrants some grace and forgiveness. Even ten percent more than you thought you could muster will go a long way to bringing you peace.
And it’s better not to be caught off guard.
Sometimes a simple “We grew apart” is a sufficient default answer.
Or “We had so many good years”.
State your intention.
It can be tremendously helpful to speak to what you want in order to frame your narrative of the past.
I wish for healing for everyone involved.
I hope that they find happiness, or get help, or recover, so that we can both thrive in new relationships.
I want to feel at peace about this.
Try to avoid wishing that they would rot in hell, LOL.
Reach out to a professional.
And last but not least, there are safe spaces where you can let it all out uncensored. A good relationship professional will be able to let you air your grievances, see through your hyperbole, and help you to resolve your confusion or pain so you’re not one well crafted martini away from giving love a bad name.
None of us are going to get this perfect. But if we err on the side of awareness and practice compassion, if we strive to be a touch more careful we stand to spin all of that old heartache into new relationship gold.
Much Love,
Erin