I read an interesting statistic this morning. Over thirty percent of online daters don’t ever go on a date with the people they are interacting with on the apps. What does that even mean? Well for starters, it means that if you are trying in earnest to meet your future person, you can expect that three out of ten people you match and message with online, aren’t going to follow through with a date or a meeting, regardless of how fabulous you are, how you play your hand, what you say and share, or how perfectly you engage. Never mind having the commitment, investment, intention to put in the effort to get to know someone, to make oneself vulnerable, practice insight, connect, share, and hold space for chemistry to develop, and so on. They aren’t even going to set foot in the Starbucks.
I’m not talking about the really toxic stuff here today; the stories of swindlers. The narcissists grooming their next romantic prey (which can happen in any kind of platform). I’m not talking about catfishing. Yes all of that is scary shit, and we all want to be safe and careful.
Today I am just hitting on the fundamental problem with online dating, intrinsic to the platform, and asking why do so many people flake?! Because if you take the thirty percent who are never going to meet anyone, and you add on the ones who might not get to the coffee shop with you, and then the ones who don’t necessarily hit it off with you or you with them, well you see where I am going with this math.
Gather ‘round children, I have a secret to share.
Online dating is used, possibly in equal measure, by those who are relationship ready, and those who are not.
Which means that some online daters are serious, or I prefer the word intentional about finding their person, a suitable or ideal partner, and dating them with a view to investing in a relationship. These folks are earnest and effortful. Maybe they’ve done the work, have a path of self insight, or they are on the path to the path, or they plan to work it out. They are forward about truly getting to know you. They want the app to progress to a text and a meet with some efficiency. They are going to take the date seriously. They want to create space for chemistry to blossom.
Then there are the daters who are not relationship ready. That is not to say they don’t want a relationship. Some want it desperately. But maybe they are afraid of it. They have some major beefs with the ex, and they are tipping toeing into the fray, unconsciously expecting you to make up for their past heartaches. To be so compelling, desirable, brilliant that they are persuaded to give you a chance. They have been made to feel the fool by the dating police (aka toxic culture) and only your perfection, your unbridled passion for them, will redeem them, proving to the World that they were not the weakling, or that they certainly aren’t now. There is little room for you in this equation, to have interests, mojo, or needs.
Maybe it’s not about old wounds. Maybe they have too much else going on and there isn’t space for relationship building. Maybe they are swamped at work, in business, or with family demands. They like the idea of a partner, but there is no space for one, unless their date is completely free of any and all commitments and can bend to a dinner here and there or an hour or two at the end of the day before they collapse into a dead sleep.
Maybe they don’t know what they want. They don’t know how to reflect on it. They have a hair trigger list of what they won’t put up with, and that doesn’t leave a lot of room for being human.
Maybe they are avoidant. It’s a sweet drug that makes it hard for them to commit to a relationship, to invest, to reveal their true, intimate selves. It makes it difficult for them to attach, to express feelings when there is some attachment. They are essentially having an imaginary relationship because they identify and solve problems unilaterally, usually by checking out. I could tell we didn’t want the same things (because I imagined this to be true in my head without ever asking her what she wanted). The app becomes the perfect fodder for enacting avoidance. Avoidant app users give enough to entice and confuse, inspire a chase, then they become disenchanted and run.
For those who aren’t ready, and there are infinite versions of it, trust me, apps are golden. They can dance around, toy with, flirt with the idea of a relationship without resolving any of the issues that hold them back. They can get a fix, of attention, of chemistry, of desiring and being desired, without risking. Engage, disappear. Rinse. Repeat.
Is this satisfying for them? Are they living their best lives? God no. Who wants to live on the outside of what they truly want, looking in? And the sadder part of it all is that they often don’t realize that they are doing it.
The problem with apps for the rest of us, is that there is no differentiating the ready from the not ready. Which causes what I call a “double down” effect on flaking, flakiness, flakedom. There is no space on the profile for ‘dateable’.
All of the “not ready” behaviour on dating apps over time has created trust issues in those who use the apps with intention, to create real opportunities for meaningful relationship. When your efforts toward intentional dating are met with flakiness, lack of follow through, insincerity, games, self absorption, and testing, morale takes a hit. Getting from the conversation to the dinner date, feels like roulette. Maybe you have every intention of showing up, being your sincere intentional self, but then some of these thoughts fire off in your mind, as you’re working out schedules.
What if they cancel on me?
If they aren’t flaking it must mean something is wrong with them for liking me.
What are the chances this is going to work out anyhow?
I have so much to do tonight, what was I thinking?
I am afraid to feel disappointed.
What if I show up and they are so different than I am expecting that I feel discouraged or embarrassed?
And one insecurity leads to another…
What if I am not attractive enough for them?
What if this is just a big waste of time?
What if I am just (wait for it) meant to be alone?
It all blends into a sense of futility and hopelessness and discouragement. Kind of like starting with a new diet fad after you’ve gained and lost the same weight thirty times.
Which means that even if you are intentional, and relationship ready, you may be disincentivized to act it. Which means, quid pro quo, some other amazing, intentional, relationship ready human, who could potentially be your person, may be on the other end of the app, or the text, struggling to believe you are what say you are, slipping into a shame spiral, for some invented imagined non-reason, some sleight of perception.
And as icing on cake goes, well we live in a world of busy-ness, of high stimulation, of constant demands on our attention that promise greater ROI and less painful rejection than dating apps. We are already hard pressed to fit something into the daytimer hotlist. Let alone trying to coordinate our Thursday with their Tuesday.
And as sprinkles on the icing on the proverbial cake go, the app-ease is that it’s impersonal. No one’s gonna hear you say in your head “Ya, that one’s probably going to disappoint me anyhow” or “Ya, I wasn’t super into that 3rd photo with the stupid shirt”, or “Can I really see myself dating someone who likes rock climbing?” It’s super duper easy to talk yourself out of your moment of bravery.
Then what? With all of this at play, even ready, intentional people are waiting for an omniscient unicorn to waft in and overcome our inhibitions. A dragon slaying hero to prove our worthiness. We suffer from app-athy. Yes, you’re welcome. I did in fact just make that one up.
So I am just here to depress you today? To kill your hope that someone is out there lurking in a profile somewhere; that you could be a few short clicks and swipes away from romantic bliss? Am I ruining your plan b or plan zee? Am I saying online dating is ruined, or ruinous?
No. No I am not.
Is this the part in our story telling where I give you the hack?
Well, sorta. Except it’s less of a hack in this case than a strategy, a way forward, a way through.
Let’s face it, now that we all rely on online dating, it’s extra hard to meet in the wild. No one is looking up from the kumquats with hopeful stars in their eyes. Hell, no one is looking up from their Apple watch, let alone the apples. Bars are places we go to socialize with friends that we already have, and it’s worse since the pandemic.
How do we make online dating work for us, and not drive us to the monastery or ashram, or outback?
Well first and foremost, we need to ask ourselves:
Are we actually relationship ready? Maybe we want it, but are there ghosts in are closet that are rattling around making us behave erratically. Here is a quick reference guide:
- Are we still grieving an ex?
- Do we have hair trigger issues that catapult us to judgment (he opened the door, he’s a misogynist; she didn’t offer to pay, she’s a gold digger?)
- Are we navigating from intention or fear?
- Are we keeping distant, or leaving dates hanging or confused?
- Are we taking other’s behaviour personally?
- Do we start conversations, but talk ourselves out of ever meeting in person?
- Do we understand what we want and need in a future partnership?
If not, taking some time to reflect before jumping into the next match may save everyone some heart ache.
In shocking news, we at Dateable are all about making this easier for you and lessening your suffering. We have built products to help our clients with the exact problems we see occurring again and again and again.
Sometimes being ready is really just a Strategy Session away (check out our Strategic Packages here); a matter of hacking a fear or block, or pattern.
Sometimes it’s a few months of reflection and blind spotting, which can be applied while you’re actively dating or done as a pre-game (see our Relationship Readiness Program).
Whatever works for you, we support it, but asking the question is an amazing first step to a better outcome.
What happens if you are already ready and you know it? Do you clap your hands and click your heels? How do you avoid the discouragement and confusion of navigating others’ readiness or lack thereof in a platform that doesn’t differentiate? Well here’s some DIY help.
- Establish your personal dating mission statement. Just bear with me on this one. Ask yourself what are you doing and why; what is important to you. Decide it, declare it, and measure your actions against it, so you don’t leave room for fear-based thoughts to control your dating narrative and throw you off your game.
Such as “I am creating a family with a partner I respect and feel wildly passionate about that is based on equality, best friendship, and loyalty”;or whatever it’s about for you.
Once you have decided and declared what you are doing, your reasons for showing up, you don’t leave room for painful and fearful ideas about wasting time, or being ‘played’ to enter your mental and emotional space. You have decided and declared that you’re in it for dedicated purposeful healthy reasons, and all of your choices, risks and investments can be directed thus. What someone else is or isn’t doing doesn’t change it, and you don’t give it the same opportunity to affect you.
- Watch for hesitant, overly cautious behaviour. This will help you identify and pass over un-ready matches. Someone who is reluctant or hap hazard about setting up and following through on a date, without an answer for it may not be ready to pursue what they want and put their efforts there. They are likely driving from a fear that you are something they don’t want (maybe you’re just like my mother, to quote Prince), aren’t something they need, or that they can’t tell the difference.
You don’t want to worry about them, or take them personally. We’ve all been there for one reason or another. If you stamp everyone or the entire arena with that ink you’ll never get to the percentage who are there intentionally, and you’ll all end up lost in the failed trust maze. Instead, be ready to move onward and forward, to look for and align yourself with confidence and follow through.
- Speak up. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Ask them what they want. You don’t have to be maximum intensity about it, but you can say “I’m intentional about the right partner and building a relationship. I’m open to getting to know someone and finding out if there is chemistry and connection and having fun with the process. What are you looking for? What is your approach in this environment?” By asking questions and sharing you set the tone and opt both of you out of the guess work.
Look, online isn’t the only way. And if you are wanting more than DIY tips and tricks and best practices, you know we will like actually manage your online dating for you, we’re just that cool. And if you’re extra nice we’ll even find you introductions within our dateable network so you’re starting with a higher degree of ready, willing and able. It is kind of what we’re all about. Taking the pain out of dating and relationship, here at home or with us at the office.
Whatever your preference, let’s work together to keep flakiness the secret of my granny’s apricot pie crust, and out of your recipe for romantic bliss.
Love, Erin