Don’t measure by end results.
For the love of all things good and beautiful, don’t wait for your Eulogy to give yourself some credit.
I’m sure that you are doing some amazing things right now.
Like tracking for CEO, or taking care of people you love, or soldiering on when it’s stressful or hard, or building your future relationship by going on line, hiring some help, saying yes to a date –by overlooking that they are one inch too tall or short, make a few dollars more or less than the ideal compliment to your income, or don’t have the exact relationship history that says “willing to commit but no glaring issues”.
Every action we take, every decision we make, comes with a risk.
That risk comes from uncertainty.
When we feel vulnerable, when we are taking risks, when we are working our butts off, or tenuously trying to try again, it’s easy to fall into the trap of framing our efforts through the lens of fear. Like my favorite scene in The War of the Roses, where Kathleen Turner has a wildly passionate night with Michael Douglas, and lying in bed in the afterglow, says “This is either the most romantic night of my life or I’m a total slut”. Now shaming aside (this was an 80’s feature) that is very funny. I find it very funny. But it’s also telling. She puts her heart on the line, she seizes the day, she opens herself up, she laughs, she is spontaneous, she sheds her inhibitions and reveals herself. If it works she gets the gold star. She is blessed, lucky, genius. A brave warrior of love. But if it doesn’t she is culpable, foolish, irresponsible, indiscriminate. A whole hella lot of judgment.
What is that even about?
Well it’s about control, to be honest. We mistakenly believe that getting into bed (haha) with the worst case scenario will give us the gumption to do better. We mistakenly believe that kicking ourselves into shape will actually get us into shape.
But what if that willingness to risk, that openness to the moment, is the exact thing, the exact quality, attribute, choice, that is going to get her to the relationship she does deserve, even if this particular Michael Douglas doesn’t meet her half way?
What if all of the kicking just kicks her when she is down?
I mean in the film they do end up married. And it’s a wonderful marriage. Until it’s not.
But if she ends up alone, how does judging herself help?
How does it help us to formulate a prospective story about our imminent failure that takes us to task?
Why does the “outcome” of our risk determine the value of the risk?
Think of someone who needs to quit smoking.
If they try an angle and it doesn’t work, is it helpful to work up a story of their failure? Will that get them to the finish line? Will that incentivize them to do the hard thing again? To risk the effort and investment?
The answer is no. It will not.
Here is The Thing.
The stories we tell ourselves can make or break us.
A story of failure of less than or loss versus a story of valiant effortfulness, of investment, of emotional bravery can make the difference.
It can feel very hard to do hard scary things. Even if those things are obvious paths to joy for others.
But we cannot KNOW outcomes, until the outcomes materialize. Until time passes. Until the story is over. And even then our outcomes are subjective and open to interpretation and perspective. So what if we leverage our perspective for actual good? Instead of the opposite. Instead of terrorizing ourselves.
By all means if you crushed it, in that obvious way jump for joy.
But if you don’t know? If the stakes are high, and you don’t know if your investment will pay off?
Well, let’s just consider from a practical, business savvy point of view for a hot minute.
Is it going to be good for TEAM MORALE, or PRODUCTIVITY to scare ourselves with our failure story?
To withhold pride, encouragement, positive feedback, hope, reward, until the final end?
The answer is no.
It’s going to feel awful. It’s going to make us sad. It’s going to make us err on the side of caution. It’s going to nudge us to put up walls. It’s going to cause us to shut down. It’s not going to help us keep on trucking.
So what if instead we MAKE A CHOICE right now, that whatever it is we are investing in, trying for, working toward, is part of our success story? Integral to it even?
What if we, as Kathleen Turner, say “Today I am being wildly spontaneous, opening myself up, shedding my inhibitions, and even if I don’t get married to Michael D. this is an important step in the creating of my future partnership, that is based on passion and sharing and blah blah, blah”. Meaning whatever is important to each one of us, uniquely. “Therefore I am proud of myself. For my efforts and investment. And if it all goes to Hell in a handbasket, I will cheer myself on and pick myself up, and laugh with little ol’ me, until I feel ready to take the next crazy step.”
Today let me be the voice of your future self, saying “I know what you did last summer” and it was pretty boss.
Decide with me. Today you are on day something something of this incredible freaking thing you are doing. Whether it’s going on your CV or in your diary, don’t wait for the Eulogy to get some credit where credit is due.
And then feel how differently you feel.
How much closer you are to seeing the truth.
And watch how the odds turn ever in your favor.
Much love,
Erin